Cartel 2 (1995)Premiered October 10, 2009Inspired by: “Welcome to the jungle” from ‘Welcome To the Jungle’ by Guns N’ RosesGenre: Action Thriller The jungles of Venezuela are no place for any man. Drugs. Guns. Death at every corner.  Lucky enough (or maybe unlucky enough) for the jungles, Lt. John Erickson (Josh Patten) is not just any man. Fresh off breaking up his last cartel, Erickson returns to the jungles to take on yet another drug lord. With his slightly (ever so slightly) less attractive and muscular side kick Striker (Matt Cutler), the pair set off into the jungles, ready to bust up the next drug cartel to come their way. Almost ambushed by a pack of Cartel soliders, posing has macaques (those are monkeys), Erickson and Striker push on through the jungles, where Striker reveals a really unsettling fact of his past. (SPOILER: His brother made out with a snake.) When the world thinks Venezuelan drug lords, the world thinks Emmanuel “Tiny Man” Mendoza (Tim Martin) and his fat man enforcer, Unnamed Fat Man Enforcer (Rory Panagotopulos). Holed up in a hut made of cocaine, the very same cocaine he trades, Tiny Man Mendoza spends his time admiring his incredibly well made house, of cocaine and barbed wire. He really can’t get enough of it. The other thing he can’t get enough of — murdering those who stand in his way. But like I said, he’s really into his “white house” - a joke he makes to whoever enters it. Briefed on the status of the Venezuelan drug trafficking by his hot, bombshell Chief Strategist Jane Bombshell (Jessica Stickles), the President (Brian Glidewell), who bares an uncanny, but must be coincidental resemblance to Bill Clinton, decides action must be taken. First order of duty, removing his pants. Another Bill Clinton reference maybe? Bombshell puts a stop to the President’s antics urging him to send an air strike. The President has an even better idea. That idea. A giant erection. And also another idea… The President goes behind enemy lines to negotiate with Tiny Man Mendoza. In an elaborate, completely unnecessary plot to bust the drug lord, the President is wired to capture the whole trade on tape. However, the ridiculous scheme goes bust when Mendoza discovers the wire and realizes he’s been served the president on silver platter. A silver platter that will go nicely with his White House. (Just to be clear, he calls it a white house because it’s built of cocaine. Mendoza is really really proud of that word play.) A President (who come on, he’s Bill Clinton, right? Just fucking say it’s Bill Clinton already) in trouble. A drug lord of venomous cruelty and unnatural pride with his home decorating scheme. An unholy sexual relationship between Striker’s brother and a snake. Only one man can set it all right. He’s done it before and now he’ll do it again in… Cartel 2.

Cartel 2 (1995)
Premiered October 10, 2009

Inspired by: “Welcome to the jungle” from ‘Welcome To the Jungle’ by Guns N’ Roses

Genre: Action Thriller


The jungles of Venezuela are no place for any man. Drugs. Guns. Death at every corner.  Lucky enough (or maybe unlucky enough) for the jungles, Lt. John Erickson (Josh Patten) is not just any man. Fresh off breaking up his last cartel, Erickson returns to the jungles to take on yet another drug lord. With his slightly (ever so slightly) less attractive and muscular side kick Striker (Matt Cutler), the pair set off into the jungles, ready to bust up the next drug cartel to come their way. Almost ambushed by a pack of Cartel soliders, posing has macaques (those are monkeys), Erickson and Striker push on through the jungles, where Striker reveals a really unsettling fact of his past. (SPOILER: His brother made out with a snake.)

When the world thinks Venezuelan drug lords, the world thinks Emmanuel “Tiny Man” Mendoza (Tim Martin) and his fat man enforcer, Unnamed Fat Man Enforcer (Rory Panagotopulos). Holed up in a hut made of cocaine, the very same cocaine he trades, Tiny Man Mendoza spends his time admiring his incredibly well made house, of cocaine and barbed wire. He really can’t get enough of it. The other thing he can’t get enough of — murdering those who stand in his way. But like I said, he’s really into his “white house” - a joke he makes to whoever enters it.

Briefed on the status of the Venezuelan drug trafficking by his hot, bombshell Chief Strategist Jane Bombshell (Jessica Stickles), the President (Brian Glidewell), who bares an uncanny, but must be coincidental resemblance to Bill Clinton, decides action must be taken. First order of duty, removing his pants. Another Bill Clinton reference maybe? Bombshell puts a stop to the President’s antics urging him to send an air strike. The President has an even better idea. That idea. A giant erection. And also another idea…

The President goes behind enemy lines to negotiate with Tiny Man Mendoza. In an elaborate, completely unnecessary plot to bust the drug lord, the President is wired to capture the whole trade on tape. However, the ridiculous scheme goes bust when Mendoza discovers the wire and realizes he’s been served the president on silver platter. A silver platter that will go nicely with his White House. (Just to be clear, he calls it a white house because it’s built of cocaine. Mendoza is really really proud of that word play.)

A President (who come on, he’s Bill Clinton, right? Just fucking say it’s Bill Clinton already) in trouble. A drug lord of venomous cruelty and unnatural pride with his home decorating scheme. An unholy sexual relationship between Striker’s brother and a snake. Only one man can set it all right. He’s done it before and now he’ll do it again in…

Cartel 2.

The Blade’s Edge (1987)Premiered October 5, 2009Inspired by: “What about Canada” from ‘Hindsight’ by Built To SpillGenre: Skating Drama Sometimes it takes a Queerbo to show you what it is to be a winner. The Hamilton TomCats were the worst hockey team in the Canadian Hockey Conference. The players were more obsessed with clacking moose antlers together than actually winning a game. Despite the constant flashbacks of their Coach (Rory Panagotopulos) to the heydays of his sports playing days, nothing could get through to the team. Royboy (Brian Glidewell), Mitch (Jessica Stickles) and Shorty (Matt Cutler) didn’t know anything about winning. That all changed the day the queerbo came into their life. Merryweather (Tim Martin) was just your normal ice skating queerbo. A masterful control of the ice. A defined ego and awareness of his abilities. A constant uniform of tight, tight neon leotards. He had it all. One day Merryweather, challenged to show his skills by an American Zamboni driver (Lauren Adams), attracts the audience of the team owner Mr. Thompson (Josh Patten). Tired of losing and ornery because of his constant lactating man breasts, Thompson decides to turn a profit off of Merryweather’s masterful skills on the ice, by putting a stick in his hand. A hockey stick. This queerbo will be stripped of his queerboness and will become a hockey player on the TomCats. Merryweather, with his spins and twirls and not much actual hockey playing, takes the TomCats from a 0-25 record to a 0-25-65 record (meaning they started just tying all of their games, not actually winning). Despite the TomCats no longer losing (I mean they weren’t winning either, because you don’t actually gain anything from a tie), something wasn’t right. The team was falling apart, the coach’s power had been usurped by Thompson, and Merryweather couldn’t be who he really was… a queerbo, if that wasn’t clear by this point. Thompson wasn’t losing anymore (but again, I want to point out that they weren’t winning either, which kind of means like it’d almost be better if the team didn’t actually exist) but he had lost the respect of his team, his fans and quite honestly, his own lactating breasts. It will take the words of a young boy (Eddie Brawley) to show Thompson that winning is about being yourself… even if being yourself means being a queerbo. With the final game of the season on the line, can the TomCats pull together and win? (Although to be fair, it wouldn’t matter, because there’s no way they could make the play offs in any league with a record of 1-25-65) Can Thompson find redemption and a sensible way to control his overly milky man bosoms (maybe consider surgery)? Will they let Merryweather be the most queerbo queerbo that he can be? To be the best, you need to have the ice, the fire, the fight and the edge. The Blade’s Edge.

The Blade’s Edge (1987)
Premiered October 5, 2009

Inspired by: “What about Canada” from ‘Hindsight’ by Built To Spill

Genre: Skating Drama

Sometimes it takes a Queerbo to show you what it is to be a winner.

The Hamilton TomCats were the worst hockey team in the Canadian Hockey Conference. The players were more obsessed with clacking moose antlers together than actually winning a game. Despite the constant flashbacks of their Coach (Rory Panagotopulos) to the heydays of his sports playing days, nothing could get through to the team. Royboy (Brian Glidewell), Mitch (Jessica Stickles) and Shorty (Matt Cutler) didn’t know anything about winning. That all changed the day the queerbo came into their life.

Merryweather (Tim Martin) was just your normal ice skating queerbo. A masterful control of the ice. A defined ego and awareness of his abilities. A constant uniform of tight, tight neon leotards. He had it all. One day Merryweather, challenged to show his skills by an American Zamboni driver (Lauren Adams), attracts the audience of the team owner Mr. Thompson (Josh Patten). Tired of losing and ornery because of his constant lactating man breasts, Thompson decides to turn a profit off of Merryweather’s masterful skills on the ice, by putting a stick in his hand. A hockey stick. This queerbo will be stripped of his queerboness and will become a hockey player on the TomCats.

Merryweather, with his spins and twirls and not much actual hockey playing, takes the TomCats from a 0-25 record to a 0-25-65 record (meaning they started just tying all of their games, not actually winning). Despite the TomCats no longer losing (I mean they weren’t winning either, because you don’t actually gain anything from a tie), something wasn’t right. The team was falling apart, the coach’s power had been usurped by Thompson, and Merryweather couldn’t be who he really was… a queerbo, if that wasn’t clear by this point.

Thompson wasn’t losing anymore (but again, I want to point out that they weren’t winning either, which kind of means like it’d almost be better if the team didn’t actually exist) but he had lost the respect of his team, his fans and quite honestly, his own lactating breasts.

It will take the words of a young boy (Eddie Brawley) to show Thompson that winning is about being yourself… even if being yourself means being a queerbo.

With the final game of the season on the line, can the TomCats pull together and win? (Although to be fair, it wouldn’t matter, because there’s no way they could make the play offs in any league with a record of 1-25-65) Can Thompson find redemption and a sensible way to control his overly milky man bosoms (maybe consider surgery)? Will they let Merryweather be the most queerbo queerbo that he can be?

To be the best, you need to have the ice, the fire, the fight and the edge. The Blade’s Edge.

Out Of The Park (1993)Premiered September 16, 2009Inspired by: “When I think of You I touch Myself” from ‘I Touch Myself’ by BlondieGenre: Baseball Nostalgia Drama If you were a kid in the early 60’s, then you were probably playing baseball. And you probably had a fascination with girl’s vaginas. And you most likely were up and coming baseball legend Jackie Robinson, although that’s the wrong time period for you to have grown up. For three young boys, all named Billy (Rory Panagotopulos, Lauren Adams and Tony Rodriguez), the summer of 1961 was the year of discovering girls. The three Billys decide to join the local town baseball team to get girls to notice them. Though they wish the only girl who does notice them, one of the Billy’s mom Mrs. Scheffer (Josh Patten) would stop noticing them, since she constantly shows up naked, everywhere. Jackie Robinson (Tim Martin), a talented black inner city baseball star, tries wooing a female classmate Angie (Brian Glidewell) telling her of his big league dreams and vast knowledge of street poetry. Unimpressed, Angie scorns his advances, leading Jackie down the only road he has left - the baseball road. Jackie joins up with the Billys, a dog punching pitcher (Eddie Brawley) and a new unexpected teammate, Cheryl (Jessica Stickles). That’s a girl’s name. A fucking girl. They’re on a team with a girl. A girl. Seriously, what? There’s a girl on that baseball team? You have got to be kidding me? Haphazardly coached by the abusively drunk Coach White (Matt Cutler), can this team really pull themselves together to win the big game? And what kind of team is this? A girl? A black kid, who may or may not be Jackie Robinson, although that’s the wrong time period for him to have grown up? An dog killing abused kid who will most likely go on to own the Texas Rangers?  The answer: a team of champions. These young kids won’t only learn the rules of the game, but they’ll learn the rules of growing up. Somewhat based on real events, OUT OF THE PARK goes back to a time when life was simpler, a time when the best lemonade was served cold and naked, and a time when growing up took nine innings.

Out Of The Park (1993)
Premiered September 16, 2009

Inspired by: “When I think of You I touch Myself” from ‘I Touch Myself’ by Blondie

Genre: Baseball Nostalgia Drama

If you were a kid in the early 60’s, then you were probably playing baseball. And you probably had a fascination with girl’s vaginas. And you most likely were up and coming baseball legend Jackie Robinson, although that’s the wrong time period for you to have grown up.

For three young boys, all named Billy (Rory Panagotopulos, Lauren Adams and Tony Rodriguez), the summer of 1961 was the year of discovering girls. The three Billys decide to join the local town baseball team to get girls to notice them. Though they wish the only girl who does notice them, one of the Billy’s mom Mrs. Scheffer (Josh Patten) would stop noticing them, since she constantly shows up naked, everywhere.

Jackie Robinson (Tim Martin), a talented black inner city baseball star, tries wooing a female classmate Angie (Brian Glidewell) telling her of his big league dreams and vast knowledge of street poetry. Unimpressed, Angie scorns his advances, leading Jackie down the only road he has left - the baseball road.

Jackie joins up with the Billys, a dog punching pitcher (Eddie Brawley) and a new unexpected teammate, Cheryl (Jessica Stickles). That’s a girl’s name. A fucking girl. They’re on a team with a girl. A girl. Seriously, what? There’s a girl on that baseball team? You have got to be kidding me?

Haphazardly coached by the abusively drunk Coach White (Matt Cutler), can this team really pull themselves together to win the big game? And what kind of team is this? A girl? A black kid, who may or may not be Jackie Robinson, although that’s the wrong time period for him to have grown up? An dog killing abused kid who will most likely go on to own the Texas Rangers?  The answer: a team of champions. These young kids won’t only learn the rules of the game, but they’ll learn the rules of growing up.

Somewhat based on real events, OUT OF THE PARK goes back to a time when life was simpler, a time when the best lemonade was served cold and naked, and a time when growing up took nine innings.

WE HAVE A SHOW THIS UPCOMING WEDNESDAY!

Oscarbait has a show next wednesday with our friends of AS THE DIAMOND BURNS. They have someone from Guiding Light coming to perform with them. To match this, we have invited the entire cast of COP ROCK to perform with us. No word yet, but we feel pretty sure one of them will show… At least juror number 1 and the court stenographer. WEDNESDAY, SEPT 16th @ 9:30pm. UCB THEATRE. TICKETS 5 DOLLARS. Make your reservation today: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/shows/2044

Made for Marriage (2007)Premiered August 15, 2009Inspired by: “She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo” from ‘Drops of Jupiter’ by TrainGenre: Renee Zellweger RomCom Vehicle Jennifer Albright (Renee Zellweger) (Lauren Conlin Adams) didn’t have much going on in her life. And that’s the understatement of a century!! Besides her three feral cats, this 30 something spinster hasn’t had contact from another living thing in some time. OUCH! Her best friend Ricardo (Brian Glidewell), a hot-to-trot, late 20s, popular, party animal, who’s gay…ooh no luck there Jennifer!, tries to convince Jennifer that she’s never going to meet the man of her dreams if she just stays cooped up in her Cincinnati studio apartment, wearing her sweatshirt and ugly face. Oh boy, what’s a girl to do when all she’s looking for is a boy to love her, which is really all any girl really wants. Enter Dr. Stan Cunningham (Matt Culter).  A dreamy, handsome, sunburst of a man. Yummo! The most well-renowned plastic surgeon in Cincinnati, Stan has made a life of helping others, whether it be giving cosmetic surgery addict Ms. Abernathy (Jessica Stickles) the rack she’s always wanted or whether it be taking care of three misfortunate children: Wheels (Eddie Brawley), Chong (Kirk Damato), and… Another kid…I know there’s another kid. I think he’s black? Andrew maybe? (Josh Patten). Anyways, one day when he lets Wheels lead the surgery on Ms. Abernathy, it occurs to Stan that while he can make the perfect pair of breasts, he can’t make himself the perfect woman to fall in love with. Where’s a delicious single, wealthy single man to go to find the perfect woman to be his wife to take care of him and his three (I think it’s three) adopted kids? (Call me, call me!) Enter The Cincinnati Scoop, the famous Cincinnati Ice Cream parlor. One day, Jennifer is there (of course) eating a sink full of ice cream (of course) with her married friends (of course! God this is like my life!). As Jennifer attempts to leave, she clumsily trips right into the path of Dr. Stan Cunningham (oh my god, I wish that had been me!) The two lock eyes and it seems they lock hearts as well. But before true love can take flight, an evil, unnecessary foe stands in the way. While waiting for Stan at the Cincinnati Carnival, Jennifer is met by the slimy, ice faced, fang mouthed Granville (Tim Martin). He plans to seduce Jennifer in order to take advantage of her for a cover shoot for Fashion, the fashion magazine he works for. The cover shoot “Ugly Pathetic Girls. Let’s Make Fun of Them.” He manages to smooth talk Jennifer into his helicopter, but Jennifer soon realizes Granville is not all he seems (duh! I could have told you that Jennifer! God eat something!) On a ferris wheel nearby, Stan sits with Wheels, Chong and…  ,  bummed that he has been seemingly stood up by Jennifer. But suddenly, Stan’s keen eye spots Jennifer in Granville’s helicopter. In an act of love, Stan leaps from the ferris wheel to the helicopter to save her but is he too late… (I wish a guy would call me back let alone jump onto a helicopter!) Will Jennifer and Stan end up together? What do you think the circulation quantity is for Fashion Magazine? Were there really three kids or just two? With the title song “Made for Marriage” performed by Norah Jones, get ready to find out that, short of a great plastic surgeon, love is the greatest makeover of all.

Made for Marriage (2007)
Premiered August 15, 2009

Inspired by: “She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo” from ‘Drops of Jupiter’ by Train

Genre: Renee Zellweger RomCom Vehicle

Jennifer Albright (Renee Zellweger) (Lauren Conlin Adams) didn’t have much going on in her life. And that’s the understatement of a century!! Besides her three feral cats, this 30 something spinster hasn’t had contact from another living thing in some time. OUCH! Her best friend Ricardo (Brian Glidewell), a hot-to-trot, late 20s, popular, party animal, who’s gay…ooh no luck there Jennifer!, tries to convince Jennifer that she’s never going to meet the man of her dreams if she just stays cooped up in her Cincinnati studio apartment, wearing her sweatshirt and ugly face. Oh boy, what’s a girl to do when all she’s looking for is a boy to love her, which is really all any girl really wants.

Enter Dr. Stan Cunningham (Matt Culter).  A dreamy, handsome, sunburst of a man. Yummo! The most well-renowned plastic surgeon in Cincinnati, Stan has made a life of helping others, whether it be giving cosmetic surgery addict Ms. Abernathy (Jessica Stickles) the rack she’s always wanted or whether it be taking care of three misfortunate children: Wheels (Eddie Brawley), Chong (Kirk Damato), and… Another kid…I know there’s another kid. I think he’s black? Andrew maybe? (Josh Patten). Anyways, one day when he lets Wheels lead the surgery on Ms. Abernathy, it occurs to Stan that while he can make the perfect pair of breasts, he can’t make himself the perfect woman to fall in love with. Where’s a delicious single, wealthy single man to go to find the perfect woman to be his wife to take care of him and his three (I think it’s three) adopted kids? (Call me, call me!)

Enter The Cincinnati Scoop, the famous Cincinnati Ice Cream parlor. One day, Jennifer is there (of course) eating a sink full of ice cream (of course) with her married friends (of course! God this is like my life!). As Jennifer attempts to leave, she clumsily trips right into the path of Dr. Stan Cunningham (oh my god, I wish that had been me!) The two lock eyes and it seems they lock hearts as well.

But before true love can take flight, an evil, unnecessary foe stands in the way. While waiting for Stan at the Cincinnati Carnival, Jennifer is met by the slimy, ice faced, fang mouthed Granville (Tim Martin). He plans to seduce Jennifer in order to take advantage of her for a cover shoot for Fashion, the fashion magazine he works for. The cover shoot “Ugly Pathetic Girls. Let’s Make Fun of Them.” He manages to smooth talk Jennifer into his helicopter, but Jennifer soon realizes Granville is not all he seems (duh! I could have told you that Jennifer! God eat something!) On a ferris wheel nearby, Stan sits with Wheels, Chong and…  ,  bummed that he has been seemingly stood up by Jennifer. But suddenly, Stan’s keen eye spots Jennifer in Granville’s helicopter. In an act of love, Stan leaps from the ferris wheel to the helicopter to save her but is he too late… (I wish a guy would call me back let alone jump onto a helicopter!)

Will Jennifer and Stan end up together? What do you think the circulation quantity is for Fashion Magazine? Were there really three kids or just two?

With the title song “Made for Marriage” performed by Norah Jones, get ready to find out that, short of a great plastic surgeon, love is the greatest makeover of all.

Robotropolis (1998) BONUS FEATURES

In addition to the official film poster, the studio released 3 companion posters during the marketing campaign as seen above, featuring the characters of Hardwick, Ze “the Package”, and Mako. The studio actually commissioned companion posters for each and every character featured, from major characters to minor character to even just the extras, causing the film to go 10 million dollars over budget.

Robotropolis (1998)Premiered August 5, 2009Inspired by: “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” from ‘Over the Rainbow’ sung by Judy GarlandGenre: Sci-Fiction Thriller (Synopsis to be added shortly)

Robotropolis (1998)
Premiered August 5, 2009

Inspired by: “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” from ‘Over the Rainbow’ sung by Judy Garland

Genre: Sci-Fiction Thriller

(Synopsis to be added shortly)

Reminder: Show Tonight! 8pm! UCB Theatre-NY. Peter O’Toole remembered. He has a reservation. See you and O’toole tonight tonight!

Reminder: Show Tonight! 8pm! UCB Theatre-NY.

Peter O’Toole remembered. He has a reservation. See you and O’toole tonight tonight!

When We Took America (1978)Premiered July 8, 2009Inspired by: “We built this city” from ‘We Built This City’ by Jefferson StarshipGenre: Horatio Alger EpicThey came to America to take a dream. A dream to not take a shit their pants constantly. And also to start a new life.In a time when Eastern Europe lay in the shadow of poverty, despair and dysentery (like massive amounts of shit everywhere), one light shown throughout the world as a beacon of wealth, hope and possible amoebicidal drugs to counter the superfluge of shit: America. A moth to the light of hope sailed Walt Wheaton (Lauren Adams), an Irishman desperate for a new life. By his side, an abandoned Czech boy named Patrick (Jessica Stickles), whose only dream was to see America. Just to see it. Not really to have a new life. But just to see it. To make visual confirmation of its existance. And so they sailed, away from Ireland, then back to Ireland, then away, then back, then away, to a fish yard, which was still Ireland, then away…then back…Whilest the duo attempted to leave the bay of Ireland (which they would continue sailing around for the rest of their lives), a group of Russian girls started a new life in America at the Salvatoro Sewing Factory, only to lose each and every one of their fingers. Although they lost digital dexterity, they never lost hope. Even in the face of the abusive, Italian bird of a woman Mrs. Salvatoro (Brian Glidewell), the young Nakita (Tim Martin) searched a way out. She found Baron Horace Whiteman (Matt Cutler). A two faced man, Baron Whiteman made a living out of exploiting and hating immigrants. Nakita knew marriage was her only option and if this Baron would take her, a woman so grossly nubbed, we’re talking vomit inducing gross… who was she to refuse? And maybe she could hope to change him. But she could not change him. The only thing that might change him is the revelation that the Barons he calls his friends also have another identity…former Immigrants.Will Baron whiteman realize it was Immigrants all along that made America the beacon of opportunity or will he continue to prey on the poor and sometimes nubbed (ewwwww) immigrants? Will Mrs. Salvatore lay an egg? Did Walt Wheaton and that Czech boy ever get even 5 kilometers away from Ireland?Featuring John Cazale in his final film performance (I know what you’re saying, but no, The Deer Hunter was his second to last film; this was his last film)…Cazale plays the mischeivous, touch-phobic-of-women Italian Butcher Salvator (Rory Panagotopulos). WHEN WE TOOK AMERICA tells the amazing true story of the immigrants that made America a chance for a better life and chance for normal bowel digestion. *This film has been approved by the Scholastic corporation as an official teaching aid. Please visit www.scholastic.com/teachingaids/immigrantstuff/whenwetookamerica for worksheets and further video and reading material.

When We Took America (1978)
Premiered July 8, 2009

Inspired by: “We built this city” from ‘We Built This City’ by Jefferson Starship

Genre: Horatio Alger Epic

They came to America to take a dream. A dream to not take a shit their pants constantly. And also to start a new life.

In a time when Eastern Europe lay in the shadow of poverty, despair and dysentery (like massive amounts of shit everywhere), one light shown throughout the world as a beacon of wealth, hope and possible amoebicidal drugs to counter the superfluge of shit: America.

A moth to the light of hope sailed Walt Wheaton (Lauren Adams), an Irishman desperate for a new life. By his side, an abandoned Czech boy named Patrick (Jessica Stickles), whose only dream was to see America. Just to see it. Not really to have a new life. But just to see it. To make visual confirmation of its existance. And so they sailed, away from Ireland, then back to Ireland, then away, then back, then away, to a fish yard, which was still Ireland, then away…then back…

Whilest the duo attempted to leave the bay of Ireland (which they would continue sailing around for the rest of their lives), a group of Russian girls started a new life in America at the Salvatoro Sewing Factory, only to lose each and every one of their fingers. Although they lost digital dexterity, they never lost hope. Even in the face of the abusive, Italian bird of a woman Mrs. Salvatoro (Brian Glidewell), the young Nakita (Tim Martin) searched a way out. She found Baron Horace Whiteman (Matt Cutler). A two faced man, Baron Whiteman made a living out of exploiting and hating immigrants.

Nakita knew marriage was her only option and if this Baron would take her, a woman so grossly nubbed, we’re talking vomit inducing gross… who was she to refuse? And maybe she could hope to change him. But she could not change him. The only thing that might change him is the revelation that the Barons he calls his friends also have another identity…former Immigrants.

Will Baron whiteman realize it was Immigrants all along that made America the beacon of opportunity or will he continue to prey on the poor and sometimes nubbed (ewwwww) immigrants? Will Mrs. Salvatore lay an egg? Did Walt Wheaton and that Czech boy ever get even 5 kilometers away from Ireland?

Featuring John Cazale in his final film performance (I know what you’re saying, but no, The Deer Hunter was his second to last film; this was his last film)…Cazale plays the mischeivous, touch-phobic-of-women Italian Butcher Salvator (Rory Panagotopulos). WHEN WE TOOK AMERICA tells the amazing true story of the immigrants that made America a chance for a better life and chance for normal bowel digestion.


*This film has been approved by the Scholastic corporation as an official teaching aid. Please visit www.scholastic.com/teachingaids/immigrantstuff/whenwetookamerica for worksheets and further video and reading material.

Hot Crime Miami (1984)Premiered July 1, 2009Inspired by: “Can’t Buy Me Love” from ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ by The BeatlesGenre: 1980s Cop Drama (Synopsis Coming Soon)

Hot Crime Miami (1984)
Premiered July 1, 2009

Inspired by: “Can’t Buy Me Love” from ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ by The Beatles

Genre: 1980s Cop Drama

(Synopsis Coming Soon)

1 of 2
Themed by: Hunson