Caught in the Crosshairs (1997)Premiered May 11, 2009Inspired by: “Happiness is a warm gun” from ‘Happiness Is a Warm Gun’ by The BeatlesGenre: Action ThrillerIn the business of death, everyone must fight to live.There’s one way to climb the corporate ladder in the killing business, and that’s to kill the competition. Valenzo (Brian Glidewell), an old Italian man with guns blazing and blazers garmenting his body is the old guard of the assassin business. Valenzo and his dangerously adorable, blazer-wearing, gun-wielding kitty (Matt Cutler) have only ever known one lifestyle, the death style… but a new assassin and his “protege” threaten their deadly livelihood.Samuel “Samson” Divine (Tim Martin) is a terrifying man. A scarred face, so maimed a literal epitome is carved into it. A heart, so coldblooded and dark it may not exist. A taste for death, so extreme it goes far beyond a professional level. With his apprentice, a kidnapped child known as “Marquetti” (Jessica Stickles), Samson aims to kill not just the competition, but everyone in town. Literally everyone in town. Newscasters. Amusement park children. His mother. Ed McMahon. Everyone. Only one man can drain this town bloodbath; that man is Agent Green (Josh Patten), a former FBI agent turned jazz musician, who now rooms with the bed-shitting, chair-shitting, bathtub-shitting, general-world-shitting, jazz musician Charlie Parker (Rory Panagotopulos). Yeah that Charlie Parker. After a tip by a gorgeous, booby, gun carrying, boobsome beauty (Lauren Adams) with really giant boobs and an attempt on his life by his beloved Goldfish turned assassin (using a tiny Goldfish gun) Goldy (Lauren Adams), Agent Green is called back to the force to take down the death machine known as “Marquetti.” In order to take down a killer, Agent Green must turn to a killer: Valenzo. Can Agent Green save the last, like, 3 people alive in town? Can the brainwashed child killer be saved? More importantly will people realize his name isn’t “Marquetti” but actually Mark Ketty? Isn’t that Kitty just so wadorable in his wittle Italian business suit?Winner of the 1998 MTV Movie Award for Best Villain (Tim Martin) and Best On-Screen Duo (Josh Patten & Charlie Parker), the action and the thrills in this blockbuster will have you most certainly Caught in the Crosshairs of actiontainment and thrillsplosions.

Caught in the Crosshairs (1997)
Premiered May 11, 2009

Inspired by: “Happiness is a warm gun” from ‘Happiness Is a Warm Gun’ by The Beatles

Genre: Action Thriller


In the business of death, everyone must fight to live.

There’s one way to climb the corporate ladder in the killing business, and that’s to kill the competition. Valenzo (Brian Glidewell), an old Italian man with guns blazing and blazers garmenting his body is the old guard of the assassin business. Valenzo and his dangerously adorable, blazer-wearing, gun-wielding kitty (Matt Cutler) have only ever known one lifestyle, the death style… but a new assassin and his “protege” threaten their deadly livelihood.

Samuel “Samson” Divine (Tim Martin) is a terrifying man. A scarred face, so maimed a literal epitome is carved into it. A heart, so coldblooded and dark it may not exist. A taste for death, so extreme it goes far beyond a professional level. With his apprentice, a kidnapped child known as “Marquetti” (Jessica Stickles), Samson aims to kill not just the competition, but everyone in town. Literally everyone in town. Newscasters. Amusement park children. His mother. Ed McMahon. Everyone.

Only one man can drain this town bloodbath; that man is Agent Green (Josh Patten), a former FBI agent turned jazz musician, who now rooms with the bed-shitting, chair-shitting, bathtub-shitting, general-world-shitting, jazz musician Charlie Parker (Rory Panagotopulos). Yeah that Charlie Parker. After a tip by a gorgeous, booby, gun carrying, boobsome beauty (Lauren Adams) with really giant boobs and an attempt on his life by his beloved Goldfish turned assassin (using a tiny Goldfish gun) Goldy (Lauren Adams), Agent Green is called back to the force to take down the death machine known as “Marquetti.” In order to take down a killer, Agent Green must turn to a killer: Valenzo.

Can Agent Green save the last, like, 3 people alive in town? Can the brainwashed child killer be saved? More importantly will people realize his name isn’t “Marquetti” but actually Mark Ketty? Isn’t that Kitty just so wadorable in his wittle Italian business suit?

Winner of the 1998 MTV Movie Award for Best Villain (Tim Martin) and Best On-Screen Duo (Josh Patten & Charlie Parker), the action and the thrills in this blockbuster will have you most certainly Caught in the Crosshairs of actiontainment and thrillsplosions.